She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
