Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I just realize today that I've dated three guys this year with their own blog. Ugh that's embarrassing.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Randomize
