If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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