Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Randomize
