drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I need water and some morals
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize