At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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