i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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