i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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