Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
he had hair everywhere except his balls
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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