The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
