Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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