No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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