Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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