dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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