i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
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