I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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