my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Randomize
