I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
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