I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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