Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
i've created a new STD.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
