Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
