my sisters under your porch take her home
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
