meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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