i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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