Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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