my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
why is half of my head shaved?
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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