i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
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