Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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