my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
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