we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
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