this beer tastes like vomit already
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Boobs are out for the taking
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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