when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
Randomize
