So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
