You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
