She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
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