I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
Randomize