last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
I DEMAND FORESKIN
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