She is in my trunk
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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