Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
