so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
