Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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