I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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