Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize