My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
