Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
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