I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Randomize
