two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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