i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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