Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize