Someone shit on the floor
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize
