First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
