He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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