I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
