so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
