I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
