maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
