What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
