I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
