Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Randomize
