I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
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