I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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