I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Randomize
