genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
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