There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Randomize
