At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
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