dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
